Toxic relationships are messy.
And they often get even messier when they end.
Partly because of the narcissist’s use of a smear campaign.
And partly because of the reactions you get from friends and family about the relationship ending.
A lot of times – ESPECIALLY if you’ve experienced psychological or emotional abuse – people just don’t get it.
They ask you:
Couldn’t you make it work?
Was it really that bad?
Are you sure you made the right choice?
Or you get advice like:
I know he/she loves you, you guys were so good together!
It sounds like it was just a communication issue.
He (she) was always so nice! I just can’t see them doing something like that.
When people haven’t experienced (or been exposed to) toxic relationships or narcissists, they tend to take a “neutral” stand on breakups.
And assume that it was a case of two people who just “couldn’t make it work”.
But a toxic breakup is NOT like that.
There are NOT two (equal, but different) sides to the story.
There are the narcissist’s lies – and the TRUTH.
And when we decide to stay “neutral”, even after we’ve been told about the psychological manipulation, gaslighting, criticisms, vindictiveness, and lies that occurred…
It’s incredibly harmful to the victim – and empowering to the abuser.
This doesn’t mean the only way to show your support is to go on a crusade to “fix” all the toxic person’s lies.
But it does mean:
- Expressing your belief in the survivor’s truth
- Correcting the lies or gossip that makes it’s way back to you
- Intentionally distancing or disconnecting from the toxic person (publicly and privately)
It’s not about picking sides – it’s about standing against abuse.
Have you ever experienced this difficulty when going through a toxic breakup?
If you’re looking to heal from narcissistic abuse or relationship trauma, I can help! I specialize in helping people heal from toxic, dysfunctional, or harmful relationships. I recommend starting here and getting my free bimonthly newsletter. Or contact me today about working together via therapy or coaching.
Chelsey Brooke Cole is a psychotherapist, best-selling author, speaker, and coach specializing in narcissistic abuse and relational trauma. Praised as "Enlightening and Empowering" Chelsey's new book, If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth is available wherever books are sold.
