Narcissists consistently ruin the holidays.
This can be such a difficult time, because part of you wants to enjoy the holidays like everyone else, but a bigger part of you is always on edge, waiting for the narcissist’s next move.
You’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. Although you’d like the holidays to be about joy and togetherness, with a narcissist around, it turns into family drama and chaos that you feel like you can’t escape from. It’s a harsh reminder that your family isn’t the way you want it to be.
The holidays are especially tough because everyone’s forced to be together, which makes the narcissist’s antagonistic behaviors even more apparent. Their need for attention and control can totally overshadow the holidays, leaving you feeling exhausted and emotionally drained.
Thankfully, there are some things you can do to shield yourself from the narcissist’s darts of criticism and contempt.
But first, let’s look at why narcissists ruin the holidays.
1. They don’t like events where they’re not the center of attention.
Narcissists’ self-centered and manipulative tendencies go into overdrive during this time. The holidays aren’t exclusively about the narcissist, so they have to create some kind of drama or chaos to bring the attention back to them.
Narcissists crave attention and control, and the holidays, with all the family and social events, are the perfect playground for their manipulation.
They might feel threatened by others getting attention or worry about losing control, so they’ll use all sorts of tricks to stay in the spotlight.
By starting arguments, making unreasonable demands, or acting moody, they can ruin the festive mood and make everything about them. This way, they’re the center of attention, even if it means everyone else is miserable.
2. They like to be in control of people’s emotions.
If you put in a lot of energy to plan or create an event for the holidays, narcissists see these moments as times when they’re losing control of people’s emotions.
So creating chaos or being the victim means they’re able to gain control back of people’s emotions. It makes them feel special and powerful that they have this kind of control over multiple people.
3. They lack empathy so they don’t care how their mood or behaviors impact others.
People have all kinds of different emotions about the holidays – some really enjoy them and some dread them. Maybe the holidays are difficult for you because it reminds you of a loss or how things have changed. Or maybe you really look forward to the holidays and just want everything to be peaceful.
Narcissists lack empathy so they don’t think about how you might be experiencing the holidays. They don’t think about how their actions affect others or how their loved ones might be feeling.
They only see it as an opportunity to gain supply in the form of gaining your attention, sympathy, help or just generally controlling how things go.
If there’s one thing we know about narcissists, it’s that they’re consistently antagonistic. While their behaviors can be erratic moment to moment, overall, they’re predictably unpredictable. That means you can bet on them doing one of the above tactics to gain control over family gatherings.
With that in mind, you can be prepared with an array of strategies, no matter what they do!
Here are ten ways you can navigate the holidays with a narcissist and protect your well-being:
1. Set Clear Boundaries
Decide beforehand how much time and energy you’re willing to invest in family gatherings. Communicate your boundaries assertively and stick to them, even if the narcissist tries to guilt or manipulate you. It’s okay to decline invitations or leave early if you feel overwhelmed.
One reason the holidays are so difficult is because of the expectations and “shoulds” we place on ourselves: “I ’should’ attend every gathering,” “I ‘should’ be able to get along with this person,” “The holidays ‘should’ be a time of fun and family.”
You have an ideal in your mind of what the holidays mean and what they’re supposed to look like, and when you compare your family to the ideal, you can feel depressed, guilty, and hopeless.
But if you have a narcissistic family member, you are not responsible for the chaos that happens. Your job is to celebrate the holidays in a way that feels best for you and those you love, not try to manage the narcissist or play their game.
To do this, you need to set limits on how much and how long you’ll participate in a family event. If you know you can only handle an hour with your narcissistic mother, plan something so that you only stay an hour.
Decide this ahead of time, so your intentions are set. And focus on doing what you can or what you enjoy – maybe you really like to bake, but don’t want to be around for the drama. So volunteer to bake, then get out.
2. Choose Your Interactions
You don’t have to attend every event or see every family member. Prioritize spending time with those who uplift and support you. If certain individuals trigger anxiety or negativity, limit your contact or avoid them altogether.
3. Have an Exit Plan
Always have a way to leave a situation if it becomes too stressful. This could involve driving separately, having a prearranged excuse, or simply stating that you need to leave. Knowing you have an escape route can provide peace of mind.
4. Practice Radical Acceptance
Accept that the narcissist is unlikely to change their behavior, especially during the holidays. This doesn’t mean you condone their actions, but it allows you to detach from unrealistic expectations and focus on self-preservation.
Whether you have your friend call you after thirty minutes and say they need you, or you plan something ahead of time where you have to leave, give yourself permission to get out when you need to. Or you can have a threshold in your mind, like “If my dad criticizes me more than three times, I’m out.”
5. Find Humor in the Absurdity
Narcissists often engage in ridiculous behaviors and make outlandish statements. Instead of getting angry, try to find humor in the situation. This can help you maintain emotional distance and avoid getting drawn into their drama.
For example, make a bet with yourself and reward yourself for being right. Will your narcissistic mother make three or more belittling comments? Will she feign a health crisis to gain attention?
Make it a guessing game and have an internal laugh with yourself, then decide you’re going to reward yourself with a special gift or holiday treat if you’re right. (Credit to Dr. Ramani for this idea!)
6. Create New Traditions
If your family’s holiday traditions revolve around the narcissist or their enablers, consider creating new traditions that prioritize your well-being and happiness. This could involve spending time with chosen loved ones, volunteering, or starting your own rituals.
Ask yourself, “What do I want to remember about the holidays? Is it making cookies with my kids? Going to see a holiday-themed play? Visiting a special place?”
Let your answers to these questions be your guide for how you spend the holiday season!
7. Utilize Detachment Techniques
Practice techniques like “grey rocking” (responding with neutral, unemotional answers) or “DEEP” (Don’t Defend, Explain, Personalize, or Engage) to minimize the narcissist’s ability to manipulate or provoke you.
8. Stay Out of the Drama
Narcissists thrive on chaos and conflict. Resist the urge to get involved in family drama or take sides. Maintain neutrality and focus on your own experience.
Maybe you know your mom is a narcissist, but your sister doesn’t see it, so she still reacts to everything your mom says and tries to rope you in. Stick to reality and the facts.
If your sister says “Mom says you’re refusing to help out” respond with “I have offered to do (this), I’m sorry you were told differently.” Remember the DEEP technique!
9. Practice Self-Compassion
Dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your feelings. Practice self-care activities before and after a family event.
Know that this is difficult! Don’t blame yourself if you do engage, just gather your thoughts and prepare for next time.
10. Allow Yourself to Grieve
Sometimes with all these boundaries and planning, survivors feel guilty, like you shouldn’t have to work so hard to interact with your family.
Remember that this isn’t your choice! If you really were in charge of how your family operated, everyone would be kind, empathetic, and supportive.
You’re not “being negative” or acting like Scrooge by planning on how to deal with antagonistic family members. You’re simply working in the parameters of what is happening and living in reality.
Most of all, remember that you’re not alone! There are literally millions of narcissistic abuse survivors all over the world experiencing very similar emotions, as they prepare to deal with their narcissistic family members this holiday season.
But by implementing these strategies and prioritizing your well-being, you can navigate the holidays with an intentional focus on making the holidays what you want them to be.
Which of these strategies resonates most with you?
(Having something to look forward to can really help you get through difficult times. If you’d like to know that you have something positive on the horizon, check out my next healing group, starting soon!)
